Why Does She Keep Bringing Up the Past? 5 Reasons She Holds “Grudges”
Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling
*It is important to note that although I am using specific gender identifications, I am not intentionally meaning to exclude or generalize behaviors unfairly based on someone’s preferred gender identification. This article is an example of themes I have heard in my experience as a couples therapist from heterosexual, cisgender couples. However, this content has and can be a theme in any relationship, regardless of gender and identification.
“Help! Why does she keep bringing up the past?” Sound familiar? One reoccurring theme I hear from many of my couples is the issue with repairing past conflict. Generally speaking, there have been similarities from what I have heard many men experience and say vs their female counterparts.
Some examples are:
“Why does she keep bringing up the past? It never stops.”
“She never lets things go.”
“She’s so negative.”
“She never sees my attempts at making things better.”
“I am always wrong.”
“She is always nagging at me for something.”
“I don’t get how one little thing can erupt a huge argument about something totally unrelated that happened months ago.”
So, I am sure you want an objective understanding to help you better understand, right? Here are some common reasons why she may keep bringing up the past and holding grudges.
Reason 1 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | You aren’t validating her in the way she needs it.
The biggest reason anyone holds onto the past is because they don’t feel heard and/or fully understood by the person they perceived hurt them. (To be clear, validating and helping your partner feel understood in the way they need isn’t your “job.” Forgiveness is a choice for each and every one of us to make to unconditionally, which means letting go regardless of being validated in the way we need; BUT if you are in a partnership, you can both benefit greatly by learning how to validate one another more effectively to help promote forgiveness and healing. Ideally, you should want to do this.)
By validating more effectively, you can try by naming her emotion, not putting yourself into the situation for a moment and just hearing her experience. Ask yourself, What is she saying? And just reflect it back. It is that easy!
For example, you say: “I can understand that I really upset you when I did X.”
NOTHING ELSE is required in that exact moment! Once she feels validated and like you understand why she upset, she can come back to the logical and her defensive and/or emotional state becomes more regulated and soothed. When she is no longer stuck in the emotion, you can then explain the misunderstanding from more of the logical (ie. your experience). “That wasn’t my intention at all and I can see how we misunderstood each other. I meant to do _________. I never intended to hurt you and I am sorry it felt that way.”
The power of validation is tremendous! Now… it is her to turn to work on truly letting it go.
Reason 2 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | You keep trying to “fix” the problem.
If your partner keeps bringing up reoccurring issues, it may be because you are trying too hard to fix it, rather than just acknowledge it. Women tend to emotionally process while they externally express; men tend to internally process, then choose to emotionally / externally express. TOTALLY OPPOSITE. Not that one is right or wrong, but we typically go about working through issues completely different.
No wonder you perceive her as incredibly negative!
She’s not “negative,” she is just working through her emotion in the innate way she knows how; to feel it, then to think about. You may perceive her as negative because you don’t typically feel experiences first in order to process it. Her “negativity” is actually just unprocessed emotions and all you need to do is try your hardest not to take it personally and allow her the space to have emotional reactions while she works through it.
(For the record, she needs to do her best at not projecting them onto you! Just because she is more emotionally expressive does not give her the right to be aggressive toward you without taking accountability or considering how her emotional reaction impacts you).
Here’s an example: Let’s say she comes home and her energy is off. She storms in, throws her purse down and yells, “I hate my job! It’s awful! No one is nice to me in the office and I F** hate it! I’m just so done!” You may innately feel triggered, want to crawl into your shell and turn the TV up. You may think to yourself, “Ugh, here we go again! I wish she was just happy.” You may traditionally react by saying, “You need to look at the positive sides. Look how great your commute is, how much money you make, how early you get off! Who cares what your co-workers think about you.”
Unfortunately you trying to “fix her issue” is actually you trying to “fix her mood,” because her mood makes you feel uncomfortable. She internalizes that as feeling dismissed. She may potentially get more angry and then you both get into an argument. You then feed your narrative, “See, she’s always so negative! Nothing will make her happy,” and she feeds her narrative, “See, he never listens and he doesn’t care about me or how I feel.”
Instead, try giving her space emotionally first. Let her vent and then offer a reflection of validation. “I totally see how frustrated you are with work. It must be hard not to feel liked by your co-workers.”
Reason 3 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | She doesn’t feel the past was fully repaired.
The bulk of repairing conflict (in a healthy way) is mostly about validating each other’s perspectives without trying to win the argument. If your intention is to be right, then you have lost the ability to repair anything with your partner effectively. Your intention should be to deepen your understanding of each other. This helps you continue to respect each other and feel secure with one another in your relationship. If your partner feels hurt by you, try to understand why instead of getting defensive. It’s natural to then tell them they are “wrong” because you don’t agree or your intention was perceived differently. This then becomes about being “right,” verses validating each other and understanding the misunderstanding. You can clear up any and all misunderstandings by validating each other, and work on creating consistency and awareness for future issues together.
She needs to learn to validate you objectively, too. 🙂
Reason 4 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | You take her moods personally.
Going back to the emotional processing piece, women tend to be more emotionally expressive by nature (or nurture). You may be making the assumption that every time she is emotional or having a reaction that it is PERSONALLY targeted toward you. I know her reactions may seem scary and you don’t want to make an even bigger issue by saying the “wrong” thing, but try to reassure yourself in those moments that “she may not even be upset with me.” Ask her for clarity without being defensive, example: “Are you upset with me?” verses “What the hell did I do to you?” or “What’s your problem?”
At times, she will express that she is struggling with things external to you and your relationship. At this moment, you know it’s not personal, which helps you better support her instead of getting into a huge argument. Ask her, “What do you need in this moment?” or “How can I help?” Possibly, by just giving her permission to be a little emotional without getting defensive, may help her de-escalate and calm down.
Reason 5 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | She’s feels insecure and needs something from you.
Most likely, when a partner keeps bringing up past issues defensively, they are feeling extremely insecure in the relationship and they aren’t getting something significant that they are needing. Maybe your partner doesn’t know what is missing, but something may be causing her to feel insecure about your relationship and/or how she assumes you perceive her. She still may be hurt about an issue that happened 6 months ago, but struggles with bringing it 
up and fears she will not be heard. Unfortunately, she invalidates herself, most likely telling herself that “she’s being ridiculous and needs to get over it,” until she no longer can hold it in. She also fears being a nag and tries her best to let it go on her own. (You’ve probably told her to “let it go,” once before and she fears bringing it up again. She’s probably beating herself up because she doesn’t understand why she just can’t.)
Unfortunately, ignoring emotion rarely makes them go away and she may find herself exploding at one little frustration that arises. This is most likely why you perceive her as unpredictable and why you feel you are walking on egg shells. As her partner, this is incredibly unfair to you because it doesn’t help you understand what she needs. You are just trying to defend yourself and fix whatever you “did” to upset her. This is why the two of you need to work together. She needs to do her part and work on understanding her emotions as they come up for her, but she also needs to take the risk of expressing what she needs in the moment instead of waiting until she snaps out of nowhere. This is also why you work on the above tips to help you understand her behavior and needs more, so you aren’t feeling incredibly beat down.
Couples therapy can be tremendously helpful when reoccurring issues are on a cyclical path. A trained couples therapist can help you learn to better communicate about the “issue,” that triggers resentment or fear; as well as work on ultimate forgiveness, which will propel the two of you forward. Contact us today for a free consultation!
161 thoughts on “Why Does She Keep Bringing Up the Past?”
Super good read with lots of pertinent information. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for stopping by!
Nobody can predict the future. You just have to give your all to the relationship you are in
and do your best to take care of your partner, communicate and give them every last drop of
love you have. I think one of the most important things in a relationship is caring for your
significant other through good times and bad.
Good points.
However, I’ve been giving my lady the support she needs since an incident recently, and she’s shut me out emotionally and physically. After reading all the points above, I can totally relate everything to our situation, and I feel better prepared to go into the home and work with her to resolve this.
You ladies are very complicated – but one day we meet ‘the one’ and she’s worth all the effort. 🙂
No one woman or man is the one you choose to make it work marriage is work no one just meets and never has any problems it takes work and both of you choose to make it work so don’t feel alone
Still finger pointing with the “you ladies are complicated” foolishness. Everyone is complicated. But it seems in this case YOU may have said or done something hurtful, not her. And at this forum, your response is that women are complicated. How about “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings”. Period. Nothing else.
@Rosa. That is part of the problem for us men. Women can act as erratic as they like and it’s our fault. When we men act erratic, it is also our fault. At what point does a woman admit that they are overreacting? Kind of fucked up that women act however and it’s “valid” but when a man does the exact same thing we’re “toxic”. Tell me how that isn’t misogynistic.
Good for you for giving your lady the support you know she needs! As a lady, I know how complicated I can be sometimes (or all the time!). It truly does make a difference to a lady when a guy chooses them and decides they are worth all of their effort. It’s like the best feeling ever! I only wish there were more gentlemen like you to help more ladies feel secure. It’s like you understand that we’re complicated, but you really want to learn more about it. That’s probably why you took the time to read this article. Your dedication and understanding will not go unnoticed, I am sure of that!
I don’t know what to do…and just walked by from my girlfriends motel room..or whatever she is now..this has been going on for a year..she was my first from highschool…and I honestly think from the moment I met her I loved her..she could talk about anything..she wanted to party and have fun..well to skip through all that n get to now..long story short..she cheated on me ,I dumped over ten thousand alone in one year just on trying to keep her happy..through xanax ,alcahol n flowers..walked a couple hundred miles cause I had no csr..and got cheated on..
Went to jobcore 4 years later when I was 22 for me and her for her to cheat on me and get mad at me that I was upset cause she has an abortion from said guys baby..now 12 years later we started dating again..*cause I went into a spiral..wanted things to work so bad..and became an alcoholic and homeless n gave up on life..and seemed to keep somehow dating almost the same woman with everyone I met..hoping to replace her..and not remember..**
Things were great at first..or I thought so..she has an ex whom she said wasn’t an ex..and had gone to prison..one of his very much older friends said she could stay till he got out..she told.me..she was only still talking to prison guy (Brian)cause his mom had her stuff at the place..and if she ticked him off too much all hope of retrievinf it would be gone..well..I went along with it and accepted it..cause I wanted to believe and wanted dearly to love her again and things be oic perfect like I always thought they could
*Only problem is now she’s a full blown alcahol..weighs 122 lbs and is 5ft 6 n drinks a liter of vodka in a day n half.alot of times less,and has a meth addiction she won’t admit too..*
And within the second month..she send my best friend a topless photo from a. Few years back..claiming she was trying to get my attention by sending it to her..I nearly broke up with her..and she apologized..and I just ignored it somehow
She then starts blowing my phone up at night with texts that went from happy to upset..and would always end with telling me I didn’t care cause I wasn’t there for her..even tho I gave her most of my free time while awake..
Then I started getting hit by her..first time was cause I accidently laid on her hair at night and her head popped up and she punched me..said she thought she was being attacked…and got no sorry..and I let it go..then she’d find reason after reason throughout these 12 months to do it about 40 more times..always saying I got in her face..when she’s charge over and start throwing hands in my face ,giving me the loswr sign..and when I’d tell her to calm down I’d get told I didn’t give a f and that I wws selfish..and wasnt being supportive..
Things kept getting worse and worse..cause I’m trying to become a programmer..and anytime I’d be studying shed tell me I was lying..or anytime anything would happen that would take away from our time or anything that I’d have to do in my day to day life..was a lie as well..or had nefarious means linked to it..
And then she threatened to stab me when she was getting kicked out after Xmas..and during Xmas she flipped at my parents house..interrupted my step dad during dinner to ask me to cut up her steak..got mad over trivial things..stole my sisters chocolates ..I know this all sounds absurd..that I’d stick around..but I didn’t want to give up and thought if I stuck around and never abandon her..she’d see that..well shortly after when she had no place to go we moved in together ..at a motel..she decided that since she was losing all rights to her daughter..it was my fault..cause on paper courts had me saying she was crazy and has drug related issues..cause the old.man repeated what I said to him. When we were talking about her anger and drug/drinking problem
Well at that motel..she hit me over 40 times in one night cause I tried to move her speaker away from.my head while sleeping and it made her mad..tried to calm her down..and ended up getting hit..cause she got mad..got a attitude and I in an exasperated tone asked her to plead stop..that I needed sleep..and was the only one working…and that it wasn’t fair rhatbshe didn’t care..said she was upset n couldn’t sleep cause ofnehat I did..the talk with the old man* when I told her no her taking her daughter to a ice house on her weekend to hsve her is what was.making her lose her daughter..
A cop had came to the place..cause she was hearing things..and said they wanted to kill her..the people there..when nothing was wrong..and the cops called.me with her phone and asked if could come get her…the cops put down on the report,that she was not fit to watch her daughter..
Well that night she attacked me..she drew blood cause she elbowed me three times around the eye..and cops got called cause of all the yelling and I was massively bleeding from a cut near.my eye cause of the elbows
I didn’t press charges..when asked why I told the cops I loved.her..and she had gone through alot the last few years..and didn’t want her to suffer..the two cops sighed..state picked up the charges..
Her daughter’s father had been trying to reach me.for.some time..over fear of his daughters safety and I kept making excuses for heather..
Well after I was beat like that I thought about how I was abused as a child and never had a hero..so I did the hardest thing I ever have done in my life for that little girl..told her father how her.mother was and what she had been doing..in hopes that somehow an intervention would happen or maybe the courts would force her into something that would make her stop the drugs and alcahol
Now.im blamed for everything have still got hit..find out she’s flirting all the time..has flirted in front of me..got.multiple.plwces..for her to mess up the living situation by getting mad at their other tenants..or getting to where I have to leave..cause of her getting violent..and she always brings up the past whether from this year or the past..and so I bring up the past..cause she tries to act like she’s innocent..get told I’m lying..and I beg her to let things go if we ever want a good future..and she thinks it’s ok to have all the guy friends she wants..but I can’t have one friend whose a woman..
And anytime I catch her she turns it around or says it’s cause I’ve made her lose her daughter..when she had said that about the last guy when we got together at first too..the same guy who pays for her room..
**We still saw each other even tho the court out a no contact order on both of us..an ex started paying for motel rooms..that he let her have..and I started coming over..**
And now here I am..and she brings up the past..and when I re answer things..it’s a lie..or she comes up with a crazy response.mis doing more drugs..and I keep trying to look the other way..and will have a great day and then boom!she hits me from out of leftfield..with bringing up the past..I’ve tried hugging her and comfortinf her while she does thing..tried validating her by listening and trying to explain the cause and effect of it all..and I’m always wrong..or it’s never good enough..or something!!and we had a great morning yesterday and she said she didn’t want anyone else..for.me.to get there later in the afternoon..and she’s freaking out over a stalker she has whose a.meth head..and is always making threats at her and her daughter..and she keeps unblocking him!!said she was really woried..and talked aboutnhis texts for 2 hrs while I’m trying to comfort her..I mske her a bath..and the water won’t turn hot eoun so it’s lukewarm..and she got.mad about it..and I paused the bath..then it got hot and wouldn’t go cold the next time I tried..she then got mad at me and said I prob broke it..afterwards she accuses me.of stealing her stuff she left where I lived..cause the old lady who owns the house didn’t want her to have a reason to come back kept it in her garage for several days n then put it out..and gave her a timeline I told her plus her x so she’d have some time to get it..and so the stuff got picked up by people driving through the neighborhood thinking it wasn’t wanted cause it was sitting outside..after I got blamed for that..she called said stalker guy I got.mad..and said she has just been pretending..she gets mad says she’s playing s role cause she’s scared of him and what hemight do…even tho he doesn’t know where she stays
And so she started yelling for me to leave after we went to sleep and woke up several hours later..we started passionately making out when we woke up ..and almost have sex and she says she needs to pee..comes out a diff person and goes off on me blaming me for everything..escalates into an argument cause it was the same old stuff we’ve talked about hundreds of times..and I knew how that story ended ever time..she told me to leave and never come back..and I had before several times and every time I did she got mad and said I didn’t care cause I left..but every time I got threatened that if I didn’t cops would be called…so tonight I didn’t hesitate..walked back to my froends to get sleep where I just arrived..and now am looking through the internet in hopes of finding something..every day I’ve been losong wieght I smoke two packs a day now..and wish I didn’t care and didn’t love..please give me whatever insight you can that you think would help..I’m totally lost..and don’t know what’s right anymore..and quite frankly am at the point of never trusting again..
Dude …..I’m not sure what to say to you (though you certainly did not ask) because I stopped reading after I read that you walked so many miles to see her only to get cheated on. How old are you?
You don’t need to suffer to deserve love.
I love you
You are a beautiful, confused human. Ive felt unwanted by my parents.
I’ve felt undesired by people who I thought I needed.
The most painful unrequited love was given to myself if that makes sense. Spread your wings baby…
Spread your wings because they look so fucking cool! Please think outside of this box you put yourself in.
Ya did the samething stopped reading after the cheating part ,ya been through that while she was pregnant with my daughter….all I can say is women don’t hear anything we say nor can we do anything to there satisfaction no matter what
Glad I came across this!
Yes I agree with your this point Past was not fully repaired. excellent way of representation this is the list of amazing questions to ask any guy or boyfriend.
Anybody that understands what forgiveness means should never bring up the past. We all sin everyday and ask God for forgiveness and hope He has forgiven us. Women who keeps bringing up pasts both forgiven and forgotten should never be allowed to go to church or pray because they are wasting their time. Treat people the way you want God to treat you.
you are too tough for the women… i dont know for what reason but women keeps things for long
I forget immediately until someone brings it up and it is like a gut punch. I wish people would follow what the Lord did for us and cut out all the drama. I have gotten physically sick over it because I was a healthy person until I started getting badgered with the past. Sad but true.
Ew!! God sounds like a narcissist and his believers are codependent targets. “*Gasp* How dare you bring up things I created in your world that hurt you! I even died for you! I forgave all your sins, BEFORE you were even around to ensure you have an emotional debt owed to me, even though you never asked for it. So now you have no right to being up the pain that you hold inside.” Religion another version of denial and suppressing things that need to be dealt with before you internalize it all and blow up. I also believe it’s a way to get out of holding yourself accountable for hurtful behavior. You don’t go around like a God, hurting people and say well I forgave you, and if you believe in me…I mean God, you’d forgive me too. Not only is that minimizing and discrediting someone’s feelings that are very real to them, that’s gross and abusive. Don’t do that to people. God sounds like he has a lack of empathy. He uses Bible thumpers and triangulates them into pretending like he has empathy for his so-called children. Be a better person than God would.
Em, I hope this message finds you well.
Even if God is just some fallacy(I would disagree), using such an inaccurate description of a peaceful and loving message is not only unproductive, but also dangerous. Harmful to anyone that might really need the message of hope and love. Even if you despise the idea of God, I think it is reasonable for me to request that you confidently speak words of truth, rather than misleading sentiments that do not at all align with truth. I certainly don’t wish to push my beliefs. Within that context, I think it is fair to say that if you choose(perhaps unknowingly) to distort the actual message of Gods love, you can do so without trying to push others away from it. Just like you wouldn’t want someone pushing their beliefs on you. Organized religion is man made and it pushes people away. Bible thumping Christians who spout false perfectionism also push people away. These are examples of highly distorted and dangerous messages to spread. From a different lens than your own, one could say you are doing the same thing, just from an agnostic angle. From one human to another, I don’t think either of us would genuinely want to discourage someone who may be in search of hope and love, regardless of what either of us believe that to be. Hope and love doesn’t need to fit your personal ideologies in order to be helpful to someone in need. I am sure your instinct and intent was to countermand the comment that Ed made, which we can both agree was not the correct response, approach, or mindset to have and his wife deserves better. Or maybe it was someone else’s misled commentary. You said, “Be a better person than God would”. While I find this to be completely contrary, I respectfully respond with this: Be a better person than those that mislead, misinform and push their own ideologies on others in a negatively impactful way. The same people that you passionately disagree with(for good reason).
Well said! I do believe no one could have said it better, other than God himself… (My God of my understanding anyhow 😍)
Dear Frank: Women who keeps bringing up the pasts should be taken to church more than ever, they should be encouraged to pray and go often.
You need to read the above article over and over until it sinks in.
Forgiveness from the other person is not a free ticket for YOU to walk away free and unworried about what you did and never think about it. Your job is to say OVER AND OVER “That wasn’t my intention at all and I can see how we misunderstood each other. I meant to do _________. I never intended to hurt you and I am sorry it felt that way.” Do that 77 x 7 times.
Did this person actually say such ridiculousness?
Beautifully written. God is good. Wish people could acknowledge that and want to change and be like Christ. Not hold grudges and pick at straws to make us feel bad because of their transference. May God bless you, and keep you.
Great insight! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you!
Such an apt case-to-case description about various scenarios involved. You have also given good solutions to all the tight spots men fall in, in their daily lives. It is important to understand that women themselves do not want to subject the men to such outbursts. But unresolved conflicts in the past fail to provide them with the necessary closure they deserve. Couples therapy is an ideal way to solve these situations and resolve communication gaps.
Hey, thanks for this article. I’ve probably read something like this before but you really nailed it. I’ve been going nuts with my wife and I’ve been blaming it on her antidepressants that she can’t let stuff go. I do feel like I am walking on eggshells with her. What I’ve been blaming on Mood swings now just look like normal behavior. I should have read this years ago. We’ve been married 29 years and much of that has been up and down. I guess I owe her an apology, it’s just because it’s the way she’s wired. It’s a shame that Cosmo can’t write an article that explains why men are the way we are, and tell women they must deal with us on our terms. But guys are the ones who must change. 🙂
Hey Steve, thanks for your personal input and for taking the time to read about such topic. Men and women need to equally work on their self awareness and work together to find their particular balance. I really appreciated your insight.
The article LITERALLY POINTED OUT where females need to do their part several times.
You completely disregarded and discredited that.
When we have a disagreement because we have plans and she’s an hour late getting ready, and she brings up the time I forgot to get the clothes out of the dryer 3 years ago, isn’t it possible she’s just arguing back fir the sake of trying to pin some kind of blame on me, and refuses to admit she’s done something wrong and simply apologize? Sometimes bringing up the past is simply wrong. To say that it’s always the other person’s responsibility is completely absurd.
Superb article. Thank u so much for sharing with us.
I think people should just be a little more understanding when it comes to past mistakes were all human also there is need to learn how to love unconditional to an extent people make mistakes .
This really comforts me.. Atleast I know i’m not crazy.. as a woman, it’s really hard, I can’t even explain it, but it’s like fighting with myself, other half wants to hold it in, the other wants to explode. Much harder when you’re blamed for feeling emotions that you didn’t want to feel in the first place. 🙁
“Feeling emotions I didn’t want to feel in the first place”. That hit the nail on the head.
good post and i liked it
I never understood why I kept bringing the past when I really don’t want to even remember that past. my bf chested on me and blame me for it because I was slowly pushing him away and at that time I just had my first and only daughter. after that first breakup we said we would learn how to communicate with each other when something is bugging one of us but I guess we never found how to. just recently I blow up about the past for something little and he doesn’t want to give another chance to show him Im willing to change that. he said that he’s tried of it that it always happens. can someone please help me what to do I don’t want to lose him I really do love him.
Firstly, if someone cheated on you. Kick him to the curb, that’s it. I’m speaking from a male perspective as well. I would never do that to my lady. There may be other circumstances you have to work through but don’t put up with that!! Starting dating someone else and guarantee you are holding the cards and when he comes back you’ll tell him no! (Or, he won’t but you’ll already have met someone new).
That said, once someone cheats, they are likely to do it again and with your pursing to keep it together like this, I’m pretty sure it will happen again.
we talk of forgiveness since everyone is a sinner before God
great blog on expressing love thanks for sharing
I appreciated this today. I’ve sincerely asked for forgiveness for things from over a decade ago- some of them from twenty years ago! And she still brings them up. It’s so frustrating. It feels like who I am now doesn’t matter. We’re not talking about infidelity, but about very poor money and career choices. When is it okay to dismiss them completely?
That is tough, Will. It is sad when you apologise for something like a bad money choice, but your spouse beats you up with your mistake forever. That is not great. I have no advice for you. Just that it seems very unfair to you.
This is an awesome read. Sometimes its better to hear from both sides of the relationship. I will be sure to show my fiancé today because I don’t think he fully understands why I do things that I do.
Thanks for reading! Glad this article spoke out to you!
Am so thankful to have read this today and will be showing my partner also. I hate bringing up the past and I wish I could just let it go. Time for self healing I think.
So glad this article resonated with you!
This may just save my marriage!
Fantastic!
It’s not really clear from the post whether this is intended to work both ways. In my case, I see elements of myself when my wife says I keep bringing up the past.
I think it’s very sound reasoning though. The partner adjusting their behaviour alone doesn’t solve the problem. You need to feel they came to see how unreasonable and hurtful the behaviour was and are truly sorry. You need to feel they really understand why you were upset, and can empathize and imagine how they would feel if the situation were reversed. With something like cheating, that’s not a problem, everyone would understand it’s hurtful and wrong. So the issue primarily happens with behaviour that is less clear cut – close social relationships with members of the opposite sex, late nights out drinking/dancing without the partner, feeling that the partner puts others above you, embarrasses you in front of friends, family, etc.
Most important thing in a relationship (not just marriage but a relationship or contact with others of any kind in fact) is empathy. You need to consider the reasonableness of your actions by seeing how they will be perceived or affect the other person.
Hi Brian! This article can absolutely go both ways– for the purpose of the article, it was written as a scenario of the woman bringing up the past.
Love your comment! Sometimes even with empathy damage is done. A person can change their words or behavior but if you know despite that their thought process and belief system is the same it does no good. In my case i don’t think I can’t accept how my partner is anymore.
And for reason No 2, you don’t even describe how men should respond to that. We already know that is what we feels and that is how we always responded (and clearly it’s not the way) so tell us how should we appropiately/effectively react then?
From reading this passage I believe I am the woman who keeps bringing up the past who feels unheard and in my heart I know he lied about the whole truth of it. I just feel like knowing the truth will give me closure but he becomes angry and raises his voice every time I bring it up. It has been on my mind so much lately that I feel like it’s making me sick physically. I feel like I can never fully trust him again and it’s made me so unhappy with him.
If he can let it go why can’t you?
Exactly! Time to move on and stop the BS.
Hey, Thanks for sharing your experience with us. I Hope this post save many relationships. You write so well. Keep up the good work.
I emotionally cheated on my boyfriend 3 years ago with an Ex and he continues to fight with me. He so angry all the time.He holds on to pictures and letters and then sends them to me. He says he loves me but his actions and constant verbal abuse has made me unstable and hopeless. I have done everything in my power to reassure him and We have agreed to go to therapy but I honestly believe this is the end of us. Therapy has made him a monster. It has pulled us apart, and I don’t know what to do. I cry and try to communicate with him my needs, wants and explain how he’s hurting me and he simply tells me that I didn’t seem to care so why should he. It’s frustetating because I love him but I’m honestly at the end of my rope. Please help me. I’m in crisis and don’t know how to get through to him.
Hello Jen. I am unable to give you advice through this platform, but what I can say, is maybe look into a different type of therapist or continue therapy a little bit longer. Often counseling can make your situation feel worse temporarily; sometimes that can indicate you are both in the wrong relationship and/or it can mean you are both activated and processing difficult emotions to work through issues as a couple (which are both very normal). The purpose of counseling is to not change your relationship, but rather facilitate a safe space and give you both the tools to repair, respect and work through challenges together. It is up to the both of you to want to be vulnerable with each other and not stay in defensive aggression. You can look into EFT counseling or check out the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.
thanks for the articles youve posted. Im still struggling with this. my problem is that every time i move my hand, my wife repeats the jester making me feel rotten . She says i do it on purpose to aggrevate her. Actually i dont even know ive done something wrong untill she brings it up. ive asked others if I bother them or if they feel I have eggajrated mov.ements and people say no. they believe that I am being mentally abused. I dont believe that this done intentionally by her. just after we were married 34 years ago, we were at a friends place who made a statement that I had changed a lot since the marraige an I had settled down and had changed for the better. now when she gets aggrivated she brings up that conversation. going back to the past. What to do?
Hi Brian
My wife gets annoyed by a million things I do. And, like you, it can be a hand movement, or even when I am walking down the street if my fingers are not spaced evenly apart she is really triggered. We (me and her) know she has some oddity in the way these many, many tiny movements or sounds annoy her and trigger her. And like you, she repeats them to me, and tells me, and that makes me feel really bad. And eventually bad turns into anger (it builds up), then I can swear at her… then, OMG, what a mess.
I am getting use to her constant correction and accept it as a part of the relationship. But, man oh man, it is hard and hurtful and I dont like it. But it is what it is! I woud never leave her over it, but it makes for a lot of pain.
That’s abuse and F that. We’re just supposed to let women do that? No. What if it were the other way around? You would be told that you were controlling and abusive. Why do we give them a pass just because they are women?
Maybe it’s abuse. Maybe these women struggle with undiagnosed hidden things like autism or sensory disorders. Something to talk with a therapist about it to clarify.
Good article I however already know it’s because I’m still hurt by things my bf said and the way he said them. He let it be known that he’s easily reminded and revels in thoughts of past mostly teenage relationships. He dosent say things anymore but it’s too late I know when certain things arise what he’s thinking of and I feel second best to his memories. It’s making me hate him.
That’s your choice to hate him not his. You’re responsible for your actions. Just as much as he is. Stop being immature.
Me – “a girl wrote this article”…scroll to read the author…yup..sure did.. always they guys fault.
She kept on bring up the past when it’s like a year ago. Till now, i did change my attitude from talking to girl and going with my friends. She kept on bringing and say that i dont love her, when i tried to fix my attitude. She said i didn’t show her love. How can i fix this situation? is it like Validating her? or trying too much? or she feel insecure? can somebody helpt me?
What would be nice if women could act like rational humans and stop using the emotion excuse.
It’s a cop out. Women seem completely incapable of being responsible for their own emotions. They act like children when they don’t get their way. They have no self worth so they project their insecurities.
From this article, all I can pin point is no matter what I do, no matter how I do it or what intentions there are, I’ll still fail to let her forgive me. Cause apparently, the article is telling me that women are immature, irrational and emotional beings, and hold grudges. Really, all I see is that I have to do one very specific move that can improve just a little bit of her trust, but one wrong move or slip, down curves her trust. What is This? Dealing with a sensitive toddler here? And if even you do want to improve the trust and help her make peace of the past, it starts with your commitment first and will power. In all honesty, anyone who cannot make peace of the past cannot make peace of the relationship. Thats if your sognificant other is working on changing or has changed and ammended his mistakes. Yes there are grave mistakes that people will do. But matter not, you’re gonna have to find a coping strategy to keep yourself from holding grudges in the first place. In English, stop being victim.
So basically this is an article for high school relationships. Not mature and stable relationships.
Both men and women make mistakes. It’s called experiencing life. However, it does not give either of them authority to torture one another, whether it’s in the name of innate emotional expressions, rectifying the past or just “letting go”. Globally, its become a business trend in the world of psychology to defend the actions of both genders by simply saying that such outbursts are innate and gender-specific. That’s why the arguments never end, regardless of how many times you go for counseling. If there were no arguments and disagreements among people, counseling as a profession wouldn’t exist, so from a business perspective, it makes sense to just let everyone fight by saying each gender has its specific needs, which are innate (as though it’s a god-given birthright, however good or bad they may be).
I agree. well said. Either inmature or the wrong relantionship. Grow up and elvate yourself to a higher level of consciousness and respect each other as individuals
In today’s relationships,Infidelity is over rated while loyalty is ignored or depreciated.infidelity has been a common virus in today’s marriage,i have been a victim of both emotional and physical cheat,but the truth was able to come to light after i seek for counseling and service of a professional hacker.
This issue of referring to the past is very common to women though we have some men who have this problem. It becomes more difficulty when you think that the problem is solved only to realise that lies were used to cover up everything.
F that. You B’s need to STOP bringing up the past and beating a dead horse. You are RUINING the present.
THE PAST CANT BE CHANGED in case you didn’t know.
If you keep rehashing arguments that have been “settled” time and time again, it F’ING SUCKS.
FIGHTING SUCKS
Just chill the F out and try and be happy and enjoy the present. If you cant do that, you are a liability and you will be kicked to the curb. -Men
Hmm. I think women bring up lots of things from the past when they want out of the relationship and don’t want to be seen as the “bad guy.”
So, say, it’s not their fault that they don’t want to be in the relationship anymore or even worse did something like cheated, but it is your fault that you didn’t do the dishes three years ago or raised your voice four years ago.
It all seems manipulative.
Dear Just a thought, I completely hear what you’re saying. To clarify, my intention of writing this blog was to generalize a common theme that I hear from couples struggling with miscommunication. I often hear “she keeps bringing up issues we have already dealt with. This article was intended to help explore where there may be a disconnect in communication if you found yourself struggling with reoccurring arguments months, or even years later. I definitely want to clarify that this article was not intended to express that all men are to blame for issues in the relationship or that all women are manipulative (although in some cases I am sure this to be true), but rather express the possibility of why reoccurring issues keep happening if one of you felt they were resolved. Women who are behaving in one or more of these ways have to learn how to communicate differently, just as their male counterparts have to learn how to listen without defensiveness in order to both work together at being vulnerable to resolve past hurts.
Hi Just A Thought
You made me laugh. Yes the ‘you did not do the dishes three years ago’ can happen with my relationship. And I cannot even remember what I did or did not do last week. So when a woman keeps telling you about your sordid past (dishes not done, clothes not folded properly, when the voice was raised)…. over the years, you have no choice but to believe them. Now you have this view of yourself as some non clothes folding, dirty dishy, voice yelling maniac. You cant remember. And you can even say ‘I’m really sorry if I did that… did I do that…. did I say sorry at the time’.
But it does not matter. The past will be brought out wherever convenient to beat you with. For what reason???????????????????????
Very helpful – thank you. I am frustrated that my wife of 32 years seems to use emotional reaction to manipulate me; I almost always react. You article gives me tools and better understanding.
Gosh yes, bring up the past card. I go through that pretty much every day from my wife and I understand that there will be reasons. Some more valid than others, and of course “valid” being a point if view. I do find the most frustrating think is the “you need to talk more” conversation , followed by things then being brought up later to be used against you. I understand that past events can be used (often not very constructively) to highlight current issues but if you know going down the route of bringing up past events or conversations you know will trigger an argument, then maybe find other ways of communicating,
Personally I think it spells the end, the only question is how to get out with the least amount of common damage.
I was gonna write an article like this too, but putting my own spin on it where every bullet point about male abusiveness negates the need for personal responsibility. E.G. “He keeps giving me a black eye.” —> you’re not listening; “he berates me constantly.” —> “you need to stop messing up.” Etc.
Your article is ridiculous. Women can be nasty human beings too, believe it or not. But this entire article is painted in the light that women can do no wrong and that it’s men’s fault for their crappy behavior. Let me know a couple other bullet points for my article, please. Maybe something like “He berates me for how I drive.” —> “You’re not learning from your mistakes on the road.”
Thank you. More men should be so honest about their misogyny. In fact, get this whole statement printed on a t shirt so humans know to run when they see you. Better yet, take it to a therapist and ask for help.
They bring up the past because it’s easier living THERE than trying to build new good memories TODAY.
Of course if you’re a single mom, every time you see little Tommy, he may remind you of that horrible man you slept with and then he ran off.
What I can do cos she always bringing the past,if I can tell her about the fault of someone,my relatives,co-worker,she in turn when we are at logger heads,she bring all those things,sometimes I regret telling many things,life like things,she swear me about that,really it’s horrible,we have been married for 23years.pls help me how to tackle this,I love her,no brother ,no sister,no mother,no father,
My wife cheated on me 3 years ago with a coworker that is married with kids and i found out and confronted her for her to lie to me consistently. It was a lie then truth when i could prove it. Then a week later the same thing another lie after tell her to be truthful about everything that happened. Then a week later all over again another lie. Each time its the same thing she doesnt want to tell me the everything.
Well i found out a week ago that she was seeing him again recently at work texting back and forth and sexting between them. I confronted her about it and she lied to me again until i proved it and then she told the truth. But we are going throigh this all again a week later i find more info that she lied about also. A few days later the same thing.
I cant keep going like this as i am being honest and truthful and committed to her my family (2 kids, 3 & 8) and i feel dirty and damaged and lied to. I feel like everything she says is a lie now no matter what it is. She always says she loves me and doesnt want to leave but it doesnt change the fact that she continues to do these things to me that hurt me and it doesnt feel like she really means what she says. I bring up the commitment issue constantly because i always say whats on my mind and i cant seem to stop because i always think about wht she did when she tries to be nice to me. It feels neverending and she wont leave me and i cant leave her because i dont want my kids to be hurt as i had no father growing up.
At this point i feel like the kids are going to be hurt regardless but why should i suffer and have to live in poverty because she gets custody of the kids thanks to maternal rights and then be told to give up more than what is required for the kids to be taken care of. It sounds selfish but i didnt cheat and do it consistently for that matter and i yet i feel like shes gonna win everything by getting the kids getting free money and being allowed to free roam sexually while i believed in not doing what she did.
I would love to fix whats going on but its hard for me to not bring things up constantly because i dont trust her and dont know if i ever will and i cant stop speaking my mind because thats who i am. Even if i do comically vs fustratingly. When I think about things that hurt i usually make a joke bout it to make me feel better temporarily. Its my quip and it is what makes me.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I hope this finds you well. This site is a great source of wisdom and understanding. I’ve felt the sting of betrayal and I’ve inflicted it. Either way it is a soul destroying, worldview changing mind fuck. It’s tough to get through, but you’ll come out stronger and wiser in the end, whether you choose to stay or you choose to leave. Either one is okay. Marriage is hard and divorce is hard. You get to choose which hard path you want to take on. Is this woman worth the pain you are going through? If so, I pray you have the patience to stick with her when things get tough, but also wise enough to know that enabling her bad behavior only prolongs her excuses to continue to behave in an abusive manner. Once you stop trying to control their behavior (try to make her a better woman than what she really is). This means no taking on the responsibility of taking her abuse in an attempt to support her. Offspring had it right, “the more you suffer…the more it shows you really care”. True narcissistic expectation. Also, stop giving excuses for their behavior. If that means they crash and burn…then they crash and burn. It is not your responsibility to do damage control. That stress will shorten your life. At some point you have to say, “enough is enough.”
https://www.affairrecovery.com/blog/samuel?page=7
Here is that site…
That’s are really great article thank you for sharing
Relationship killers #1secrets, #2assumptions, the need to keep anything from your partner suggests you either dont trust their reaction, input, or just them having the knowledge and the need to assume you know their response to something (ie conflict, or meeting a need) before even giving them the chance to hear, validate, and perhaps meet that need. Failed relationships basically are needs not being met because one or both parties fears or doesnt know how to express or ask for their needs. They make assumptions without ever giving their partner an opportunity to meet or learn to meet the need.
This is all great advice, but I was wondering how this article would be written if the roles were reversed (as in my case) where the husband was the one who was not letting go of past transgressions. I am happy to provide the circumstances I find myself in if you need fuel for such an effort because as you rightly say above, men and women process differently. Would you consider a companion piece to this article written from the other gender where the husband cant let go and the wife is calling him the victim/martyr?
I would love to hear about your perspective.
I think you do a great job explaining what is going on in a womans head, but you also enable this behavior as well. Women are just as intelligent as men and therefore should be responsible for their own thoughts and emotions. It’s not a mans job to validate their feelings or act like another woman. Women in a relationship are capable of communication which is necessary in alerting their partner that they need something specificially and being a woman doesn’t give them the right to throw their emotions around like a sledge hammer. You need validation, just let your partner know what you are needing. If he doesn’t understand how to give that then when you are not both triggered, sit him down and explain nicely how to talk to you in those situations. Let him know what you really need and let him know he’s not the reason for your frustration at the moment. It’s crazy how we justify bad behavior in terms of communication with women. It’s not a mans responsiblity to figure you out.
This was a very good read and some very interesting and valid points, my situation is quite similar and we have been back together for 2 years now and just as things seem to be going well and we are both happy i will find her in a drunk state crying and going back to the past as she couldn’t understand why we separated 2 years ago and says it was all my fault. And it was and i have admitted this and have literally showered her with love, affection, given her space and been calm and answered all questions but it keeps coming back to this state of anger, maybe she will never forgive me completely?
You said we may take women’s mood personal
One Question I have is if this behavior is not conducive to hold a job why would your wife feel entitled to do this at the house it’s always been puzzling to me
No, this is wrong. Women will bring up not only your past, but will bring up baggage from past relationships they have had before they even met you. I was once naïve and thought, that it does not matter what someone’s past was, but I learned the hard way it is not true of women. A man has to find out a woman’s past before he commits. This is not any kind of bias, or prejudice on my part, because I once believed the opposite.
I married a woman who had a promiscuous past, thinking that it did not matter. She was constantly suspicious that I was cheating on her, which I absolutely never did, but she interpreted my behavior according to her past relationships. This is why it is insane for any man to commit to a woman with a promiscuous past. That is simply a fact of nature, women’s past matters.
She eventually did storm out because I refused to apologize for going out with friends, because I refused to be constantly monitored. Then she wanted to get back together and I refused to take her back.
But the point is, it has nothing to do with how you are currently treating her. You could be treating her like a queen and she will still say bitter, resentful things about men, just because she previously was with a man who treated her like dirt.
thank you so much, because i was about too go off and tear her phone up. she searches on her phone who i talk too on my every day.
Fascinating article!
The best way to avoid a psychological breakdown after experiencing or having to deal with infidelity is to make sure you are not just assuming your partner is cheating, don’t say they are cheating until you have gathered proof of their act, confrontation without evidence is just unacceptable
Stop stop.
Modern women are too much. Men stop coddling them.
You always have to tip toe around their moods. Always have to become beta. Not alpha. Always have to understand her.
Its never told on her how to understand you. She raises the past and causes a tantrum . Just pacify her(like a baby)
Nah.
Date a man then.
Wow, here I was researching why my wife always brings up the past and is blaming me for everything. The points the author makes are valid but tbh, it really makes me question why does it have to be this way? We have to adapt our behaviours because women are emotional and absorb and react differently..we have to deal with it by adapting
And all of this effort for what? 100% there will still be arguments even after you do try. This article not only gave me tips to improve, but it really does put you off from being with a woman more than as a gf.
I have been married for almost 34 years, and my wife know exactly when and how to trigger me into a blow out argument. She uses my past failures to push my buttons and then become all upset and antagonises me when I react. She does this even though she knows exactly what my reaction will be. Why does she play these games? After 34 together, I am about to call it quits because see cannot let go and I cannot take it anymore.
She is painfully insecure and fears you will leave, this tactic is always about manipulation and control.
It’s about one thing only manipulation. A man or a woman that does this is insecure. If each disagreement is dealt with respectfully there is no past to bring up.
I think she still misses her ex-boyfriend
Speaking of the past which most women back then were real ladies and very easy to meet compared to the very awful ones that are everywhere today unfortunately. Today feminism damaged them a lot as well.
It seems I am one of the few women here in the opposite position. I worked so hard not to be difficult in relationships to be forgiving and not complain. But doesn’t seem to matter if I apologized, make steps to fix something or the the effort I put in. Or if I am struggling with other things in my life because of the Pandemic. My feelings about bad things he’s done to me seem to be hushed for the sake of his insecurity.
My mom I want her right now no longer talking to me and stay out of my room and stop with her ridiculous bug and parasite nonsense right now there isn’t any it’s getting very ridiculous she has a mental illness and she’s not even telling her doctor she has one and she won’t even make an appointment to see a therapist and I would like her to.
Hello Everyone
Recently i dated my best friend and it feels really nice.
we’ve been friends for about 7 years and now we are in a relationship.
But She knows every detail about my past relationships and it hurts her sometimes.
As she says it hurts so bad that she can’t think about our future together.
We are in a long distance relationship and we havent met each other yet.
it’s about to happen soon.
So is there any way i could get all the stuff out of her mind ??
is it gonna be ok ever ??
I’m worried about her.
What should i do ?
appreciate your help
My past happened 13 years ago and this Lady who knows me and my kids even though my kids are grown 13 years ago and this Lady keep bringing my past up and it hurts me and she won’t stop doing it and this twice she has done it to me. What can I do? Nothing works it like she have it in for me.
My wife brings up my past that occurred in 2013 while we were just talking on the phone, not dating but she didn’t find out the truth until 2 years into our marriage in 2020. We got married in 2018, but each time I tell her son to stop wasting water she brings up how much I wasted in the past. But we are in the present and money is hard to come by now so wasting water is in the now. She even brings up details of what I did in 2013 to the extreme and even lies about some of it. So I clap my hands and laugh to try and endure and she says yeah clap for the person I am sure the person would enjoy it. Just so painful and if I don’t speak for days to her then she asks why am I being so childish. I said I need an apology and my wife says I will not get one because I deserve everything She said,
My mom keeps talking to me and I don’t want her talking to me and I want her to stay out of the basement she loves coming into the basement so she can irritate me. talk her stupid book and parasite nonsense she has a mental illness.
I have read your blog and it is pretty amazing. In fact, you have discussed all the valid points very efficiently. I love the way you wrote about this certain topic.
Furthermore, I have found the Healing Mind Hypnosis website which is an amazing productive reference for those who find it hard to live an enjoyable life. It helps you learn relationship issues that you can practice for a better future.
Well written, communication is the key
I just wanted to add in addition to the norm heterosexual couple and LGBT couples the she in the article can also be a man in hetero couple doing these things, too
Thank you for this. We are almost 3 months in to being broken up after 14 years with kids, dogs, a home and everything in between. I feel like ending our relationship is a mistake because we’ve always taken care of each other and build so many amazing things together but we lack effective communication. This is something that I’ve been trying to learn and actively work on religiously ever since that dreaded day. Your article gives a lot of incite that others leave out. Obviously, it takes two but all I can do is learn what I can and apply it on my end. Thank you.
Speaking of the past which most women were very normal back in those days since they were real ladies and very old fashioned, and meeting a good woman was certainly a lot easier at that time too since it wasn’t all about wealth and looks that most of these very pathetic low life loser women want today.
I feel this article is quite sexist. All it does it validate her negative actions by saying they aren’t negative, but simply her way of working through the issue. If that’s the case the same could be said for men just the same. But instead, Mens feelings are invalidated as being too sensitive or already being in a bad mood. Male or female… own your actions and words! Just because YOU feel some type of way doesn’t mean that your partners feelings are less valid.
My Mom keeps talking to me and I want her to stop talking to me right now and to stay out of the basement she comes in the basement so she can irritate me.
I am the kind of person that is quick to forget the wrongs done to me but difficult to forgive. Therefore, even after I had forgiven them, I still had a tendency to bring up their past transgressions. This had a negative impact on my marriage, so we talked to a therapist who helped rescue it.
I have the same problem with my friend of 12 years, with being the other woman of who ever he wants to be with, and I bought up the past and we had words and I told him the only reason I have sex with him is because I have to, because he takes care of me and I want for nothing, he pays everything, I live alone, he got so upset and now we are not intimate anymore, and I want him to understand that I want that back with him, yet he feels like he is punishing me, he still gives me anything I wants or needs, how can I get him to understand that he got it twisted, and he shouldn’t put his feelings in to it like that, I know he loves me, I love him to a certain extreme, and don’t want us to end. How do I get him back in my bed?
My wife and I had an argument more than a year ago about something I can’t remember now and at that time my truck was down so I left the house on a walk. I stayed gone for about 3 hours. When I finally came home we had it out and she just refused to believe that I was out walking all this time. She thought I started the argument just to get out of the house and that I had someone meet me to pick me up. I even showed her my Google tracking on my phone that showed I was only about a mile or so away from the house. I went down the street to the park and walked around for a bit then I went to the local middle school and sat on the bleachers for a while. Again, all within a mile of our house. I came home and we again had it out. After a few days everything was settled. Fast forward more than a year to this morning. She comes in the room after taking her shower and again demanded I tell her where I was more than a year ago because she refused to believe I was out walking for 3 hours. The article was informative to a point but how do you explain bringing up something from more than a year ago that was settled way back then? Being heard is one thing but more than a year goes by and you never bring up the issue and now you want to claim you’ve not been heard. Please explain that for me. We have been doing great this past year.
Patrick,
She is a nut job. Kick her to the curb. Move on with your life. I wish I had done it years ago. I am about to…
My wife does that constantly.
We’ll be arguing about how she suddenly changed her mind about making dinner, and all of a sudden I have to drive 3 miles to get takeout, and I’m like “What the??? You said you were going to make dinner! Why, all of a sudden, do I have to drive to get takeout?!”
Her reply:
“Ohhh well… You really want to know?! It’s because of that time 4 years ago when you said you were going over to clean your parents’ condo, and you were gone for 4 hours! Where were you?!Reaaally?”
My answer: “I was over at my parents’ condo cleaning it for 4 hours, because it hadn’t been lived in for 6 months and they were coming back to town, and I wanted it to be clean for them. Don’t you remember how clean it looked the first time we went over and visited them after they arrived?! And what does that have to do with you suddenly deciding at 4:30 tonight, 4 years later, that you don’t want to make dinner and I have to go drive and get take out?”
The female brain is squishy and weak. They are all just nuts. Just leave, it’s not going to get better…
Excellent insights about a problem that many couples face: resolving old arguments. Although gender-specific examples are given, it is made clear that the underlying dynamics can exist in interactions with people of any gender or identification in the essay, which emphasizes the value of inclusivity. The author gives readers a familiar background by highlighting reoccurring themes and situations. The essay provides a forum for comprehending both the male and female points of view, encouraging empathy and free discussion. This article is a great resource for couples navigating the difficulties of resolving old arguments and forging stronger bonds because of its balanced approach.
I can totally relate to this topic! It’s frustrating when someone keeps bringing up the past, especially if it’s in a negative or repetitive way. From my experience, I’ve come to realize that people often revisit the past because it holds unresolved emotions or unhealed wounds. It’s crucial to approach these situations with empathy and understanding. Instead of dismissing or getting defensive, it’s important to communicate openly and honestly about how their actions make you feel. By addressing the underlying issues, both parties can work towards healing and moving forward, creating a more positive and harmonious environment. Let’s focus on the present and future, leaving the past as a valuable lesson rather than a burden.
Well for many of us single guys still looking to meet a good woman today which now unfortunately it is very difficult compared to the past when it was certainly so much easier than nowadays. Women have really changed for the worst of all since there are so many stuck up narcissists feminists low life loser women everywhere today unlike the past when most women were the very complete opposite of today.
I’m really glad I came across this article, it definitely speaks to the different ways in which both our brains work.
My wife and I have recurring arguments centred around past behaviour (which I feel I have made strong efforts to rectify and show empathy towards), but I feel like I’m doing all the work of trying to prove something to her while she speaks of the “damage I caused her”. It quite often leads to her name calling and getting super emotional (something she has admitted is designed to get a response from me).
I feel like there isn’t an effort for forgiveness, in fact I think there’s a part of her that wants to hold onto these past incidents as a way of leveraging arguments.
I love her so much and when we are happy it’s like the sun is shining down on us, but when we argue (particularly if it comes out of the blue and I’m not expecting it) everything turns to black and white, and I’m expected to be the one that says and does everything right.
I have suggested therapy (both couples and individual) and it gets shot down as if I’m making an accusation that she’s the problem. I’m more than capable of recognising I make mistakes and I’m not perfect, but issues in couples are rarely down to one side. Am I being an asshole for suggesting that she/we look at outside help to aid in our marriage?
To the young man who has endured so much, I am so sorry . I wish you nothing but happiness and peace in the days ahead…..YOU deserve it!
To the young man, Robert who has endured so much, I am so sorry . I wish you nothing but happiness and peace in the days ahead…..YOU deserve it!
This is true! Give reassurance! This was a fantastic post!
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I so can truly relate with this by my experience. But befor continuing to part 2 I shared it with my wife believing she would entirely grasp the concept of what I’m doing in are hard time right now of are marriage. Well not entirely what I pictured because with her reading the subtitle “WHY DOSE SHE KEEP BRINGING UP THE PASS” had herself saying why you send this to me!?! And now just full engagement with CHAT GPT, or PODCAST, EX….. So I read and read well to insure the information clicked but also booked mark this for refreshments of the mind. Now I pray this works and help me be better for my wife in understanding for it is I as well who is in this for the LONG HULL mentality set on being not just flexible or strong willed but becoming collective on picking up empty and compassion then embracing leadership with support of being the secure provider.
Long ago I finally put my foot down, after being brow beaten about past things she could not reconcile between us. ,. then began a 20 year cold war. Turns out I wasn’t the only one , but she chose me, and we married.
I can’t say one way or the other that the 20 years healed either her or me. But I got tired of trying. from that point on, I took care of myself. Then covid hit, and a frank discussion on how short life is, broke the ice. but I was exhausted. She is most definitely, a puzzle.
Therefore I would never suggest the “cold war” to anyone. that was my choice,, Financially, Divorce may not be an option. Divorce to me never seemed realistic ,, but I think I chose the correct path.
on the other hand, life is short. there is no one size that fits all answer.
No Matter the situation, Put yourself first, and take care of yourself. Then understand that for your relationship to succeed, your Love for her, becomes a verb. you have to do so through your actions toward her. and learn to suck it up. I know of no other way.
This is a very insightful article, Alysha. It’s clear that you’ve put a lot of thought into understanding the dynamics of conflict resolution in relationships. Your emphasis on the importance of validation and understanding, rather than just trying to “fix” the problem, is particularly noteworthy. It’s a reminder that effective communication is key in any relationship, and that acknowledging and validating each other’s feelings can go a long way in resolving conflicts and fostering a healthier relationship. Thank you for sharing your expertise. Looking forward to reading more of your work!